Ice on the Heart

The winter weather has continued this year which I have really actually enjoyed. We have had an icy mess yesterday and today which even caused for the salon to close yesterday. My boss was gracious enough to give me today off since I will now be working 6 days next week. This weather is not really the basis for my blog title today though. If I haven't mentioned before, I will now that my husband works for UPS. This company is great to work for in terms of good pay, good benefits, and a great retirement plan; however, THEY WORK YOU! I have been married to my husband now for almost 8 years and we have known each other for a little over 10. I have been very familar with the hours that are required. What I or anyone else has been accustomed to is the recent pandemic. COVID-19 has affected shipping in ways that I'm sure anyone can imagine but unless you are a spouse of the Big Brown, you don't realllly understand. Put on top of that, my husband's current boss has made his life a living hell. This has all created a major strain on our marriage. My husband is more tired than I've ever seen him, his stress level is beyond anything I've ever experienced which has translated into his attitude and overall demeanor to be affected. I know I am not the only wife out there who deals with a tired husband when he comes home or even one who doesn't really want to talk when he gets home, but for me who has a counseling background and views communication as a major foundation for our marriage, this proposes a problem. Even this morning we had an argument because of how he spoke to me which he also felt equally berated. Its been a continuous cycle. Is every single day for us bad? No. Do I feel we are headed towards divorce? No. But I don't want us to continue in this relentless cycle either. So as my husband left this morning to be with his kids, I decided to stay behind because I knew I needed to put thoughts into text. What changes can I make within myself to be a better wife who can create an environment where I don't feel as sensitive or speak to him in ways that causes him to feel less than? Perhaps if I can do that, then he will, in turn, change his ways and we can both move forward together to make this marriage even better. This morning he said that sometimes he feels I try to put my anxieties about things on him. It makes him feel like he has to walk on egg shells around me so as to not disturb my anxiety. This isn't good. But how does one just magically make their anxiety disappear??? I can't. What I can do is work on it. As a wife and woman, I already feel such stress to be a certain way, look a certain way, perform at work to the best of my ability...I strive for perfection. That is my biggest flaw. I want to be perfect. I want everything around me to be perfect and when it isn't, I feel failure and honest dispair. I feel shame and I feel guilt. It's awful. Even just typing this outloud makes me realize these realities about myself. I am trying to make this marriage perfect and I am equally trying to make my husband perfect. It isn't right, fair, or okay. I need "chip away at the ice" of my perfectionism. I am sure I can't be alone in this struggle. I feel like my thoughts on here have been all over the place but this is my blog so I can write the way I want! Also side note...I totally signed up for Noom today. I got rid of Weight Watchers. I know its a matter of finding one thing and sticking to it, but I've been feeling the "tug" to go to Noom so here I go.