Snow Day

I love the way snow makes everything quiet. It doesn't make a sound as it falls and it seems to stop everyone and everything for a time. Living close to the beach, a snow day isn't as exciting as it was living in the mountains. We don't have a whole lot of accumalation, but I will take every 1-2 inches we can get. Especially on a lazy Sunday! I also welcome the calmness of snow as we have been going through this pandemic. There has been so much chaos and stress. Snow is relaxing and beautiful. As I've gotten older I have realized how much I do actually love cold weather. I love being bundled up in scarves, mittens, and hats. I love wearing colorful coats of many different designs. I love wearing jeans and boots. Fireplaces, hot tea, hot chocolate, baking, chilis, soups..it's all so soothing to me. Who knew that I would be one who would start to really enjoy and love winter! Well, happy snow day. I hope this day brings relaxation, calming, and a wonderful pause for you too.

Barren

The word alone brings heartbreak. Although my story is a little different than simply just being barren. When my husband and I first got married I thought I didn't want to have kids. I was 28 and to me, that was too old to be starting having a family. Plus, my husband already had 3 from his first marriage. I thought my life felt full and I was ready to spend quality time with my new spouse. Then about 4 years ago, something switched. I started thinking maybe a baby could be a good thing. I went back and forth on this decision but then one day it just hit me with a ton of bricks and really due to a conversation with a complete stranger. One day I just stopped taking my birth control I had been on for over 15 years and the excitement of "trying" began. But 2 years ago after we moved and nothing had happened, my doctor suggested we see a specialist. After further testing we found out why. Our hopes and dreams of a child came to a screeching halt. Now this may get a little graphic so I will warn you not to read any further if you don't want the gory details... We found out my husband's plumbing was producing as much as perhaps it used to. And, I heard the words PCOS when it came to my body. So a low sperm count mixed with ovaries that can sometimes have a hard time producing eggs does not make "baby-making" easy. So we moved on to the first suggestion of IUI. We did one round of that and found out my husband was slowly producing even less than we thought. IUI turned me into a crazy person with the hormones I had to take and the endless waiting. Another side note was we had to drive an hour and 30 min each time we had to have any kind of test or to do the actual procedure which really became aggrivating. So now here we are back to square one. I am such a big believer in that I have a big God who knows best and knows my heart that my prayer is He will still bless us with a baby, but I also know my time is running short. I am currently 37 and my husband is 41. I really do not want to be a 40-year-old having a baby. So..for the moment we are still trying organically. The drive was becoming too much and was too hard between our 2 jobs to be able to do that and I really did not do well with the medications and actual procedure either. I also just within one month have found out that 3 of my co-workers are all expecting. As happy and over the moon thrilled that I am for them...it really stings that much more every time. Yes, they are all younger being in their 20s and I know their bodies are just primed for this, but it still hurts so much. Out of all my co-workers, there will now be 2 of us who aren't moms. But I predict this other co-worker will be one day in the near future. She is a newlywed as well and also in her 20s so I'm sure the day will come. So for all of you mamas out there...love on your babies. Be thankful you were able to be a part of one of God's special miracles. For all of you who aren't mamas and perhaps don't feel like that path is for you...be excellent and amazing women striving for whatever goals and aspirations you can dream! And for the other women who are in the same boat as me...that feeling of barren...let us all pray for one another. Let us all be able to find the peace and understanding as to why we haven't been able to have a baby, but let us also try our hardest to not feel like failures because of it. I pray that I am able to hopefully see the big picture into this one day. I pray I can find comfort and love within the arms of my husband and feel complete and whole.

God Using Failures

This title alone brings anxiety to me. As I'm sure many can tell from my previous posts, I am a Christian. I came to know God and made the decision to have a relationship with Jesus when I was young, about 8. Throughout my life of so many heartbreaks, different seasons, different jobs, different locations...my relationship with the Lord has gone up and down but it has always been there. And when I say "it" has always been there, I mean God has always been there, but I haven't always been there for God. I read a daily devotion every morning and today's really struck me. God can use our failures for good. But I don't want to fail. In fact, the idea of failing to me terrifies me. I am way too much of a perfectionist. I like following the rules, doing things the way they are suppose to be done. I don't want to fail. Do I fail though? Yes, after all I am human, but the thought of failing still makes me nauseous. Wow, do I have a lot to work on.... I know this was a very short post, but I felt it necessary to write about this. It was an enlightening moment for me to realize how much failure scares me.

Spiritual Battle

I have returned home, back to reality. My first day back at work is today and I am trying to remember my word of "balance" to keep myself centered. I did meet up with some of my co-workers last night to wish a farewell to one of them. We got to talking about everything that is going on politically in the US right now. Everything has got us all scratching our heads wondering how on earth we got here?! Do I believe our current President helped get us here? Yes. But then I was reading in my devotion this morning about the war that Joshua was under. The Scriptures never share with us about how many people were in his army or what types of weapons they used or even how much weapons there were. All we know is whom the war was between and then how God helped guide Joshua to defeat his enemies. The even bigger picture of all of that was the spiritual battle that was happening. Reading this reminded me that this is exactly what is happening to us right now. We have so many people who are idolizing one man and then we have others who have such extreme hate for one another...it's all disgusting no matter which side one may be on. But really it boils down to the spiritual battle that is happening all around us. I feel such a strong sense to make sure I am plugged into the Word and to make sure I am living right for the Lord. I have no idea if the second coming is happening soon or if this is merely just another "bump in the road" we have to go through, but all I know is my God is stronger and has more wisdom about all of this than we ever will. So for those of you who are followers of Jesus..take up your armor...your spiritual armor. And remember our battle is not against flesh and blood but against satan and his army. But we have an ALmighty God who will fight for us and who will defeat him ultimatly!

Under the Lanai

Todays ramblings come from the same place I was located yesterday. Under the lanai. Back home it is in the 30s and possibly snowing. Meanwhile I sit outside in my bathing suit, soaking up the suns rays in a lower 70 temp. What a different constrast 2 states can be. Today is my last day being down in my oasis. My mom and I make the long drive back tomorrrow. The grueling 12-14 hour car ride is my absolute worst nightmare, but these days it is better than flying with all the COVID stuff going on. We feel safer at least driving, although stopping at some of these rest areas and gas stations we are probably risking it as well, but at least we can get back in our sanitized car. I get very sad when it comes down to my last day down here, especially when I don't know a return date. In this case I don't. I am hoping my husband and I get down here sometime this spring, maybe March or April, but that all depends on his work schedule and mine for that matter. It also probably depends on this whole pandemic as well and what comes of that. Numbers continue to rise in cases and there is still the risk of our business getting shut down if any of us were to come down with it. But right now I am trying to just sit in the moment. Blue skies, palm trees blowing as a soft breeze continues to flow. The sun going in and out of various clouds. I really do love it here more than anything. Well, maybe a cruise but who knows when we were ever venture back out on one of those. I am very grateful to have this place and I am so thankful to my dad who found this place and made the spontaneous decision to purchase it. I hate he only got to enjoy it for 2 years, but at least he did that. My mom and I have been able to enjoy multiple times down here since then. Many memories flood my mind of different boyfriends I have brought down, friends who have come, and also the many lonely times I felt down here. I remember extinctly shedding many tears in my bathroom down here longing to have a man who would be able to spend time down here with me. Little did I know how "fast" that would happen and how many times my husband and I have traveled down here. He loves it too, perhaps not as much as me but he does enjoy coming down. Whatever the future may hold for this place as my mom continues to go back and forth as to what she would desire to do with this place...I can only hope that my husband and I can have many years here. I can only hope that perhaps we can even take over the place ourselves. I know what a task that would be, but I love it enough. So for today I will enjoy being under the lanai. Chao!

Writing from my Oasis

I've been wanting to write since the day we got down to what I like to affectionately call "my oasis". It's our family home down in Florida and there really is no place better to me than this. This place is one of few where I able to truly un-wind and feel like I can relax. Most of the time I spend down here in by our pool. It is enclosed under a lanai so no bugs or other various animals can enter in. We have a small patio out here with a table and chairs and a tv so I really don't need anything else than all of that. I even sit out here when its chilly out simply because I find it to be so relaxing. My mom and I came down almost 2 weeks ago and of course the time has flown by. A lot of people don't understand how we can both just choose to leave our husbands and come down here but we have been doing this for years. I have also found spending time apart from my husband can sometimes be a good thing. Since we've been down here there have been a few troubling things that have happened. First, COVID is still rampant and only continuing to grow by the minute. My husband had a close encounter where he ended up getting tested (thankfully he was negative), but it creates such a stressful feeling. I can now understand why so many people feel stressed when that happens. Hopefully we don't come into contact with that again and we all remain healthy. Also since we have been here our Nation has truly suffered. Rioters and Trump supporters decided to storm the Capitol while Congress was in session to determine our next President whom we have all known for a while would be Joe Biden. Trump and his supporters have decided they are not willing to accept this new Presidency and instead behave like absolute imbesiles. It has been a total embarressment to our Country. And it is also quite scary to wonder what direction this will only move us towards. Civil war (again) doesn't seem far. For those of us who are believers, it has caused us to cry out to God all the more for guidance and help. Aside from the negative things going on around us, I have been trying to focus on my goals for 2021. 2020 certainly was a whirlwind for all of us. COVID and the pandemic that it created really brought on so much emotional and physical stress to us all. I have been encouraged and challeneged even to find an outlet to better help me to manage my stress. I carry a lot of weight on my shoulders and I don't necessarily handle stress well, particularly at work. Of course I am still on my weight loss journey and really want to commit to Weight Watchers. While I've been down here in my Oasis, I have definitely indulged in more carbs and wine than I normally would but I have seen the program working for me before I came down here. I also started back to running, more of a jogging than running but I don't think I realized how much I do actually enjoy doing that. There is something calming about putting on my headphones and choosing either a podcast or music to listen to while I try to tune everything else out and just go! I know this is something I need to continue to do when I get home despite the cold weather. I do have my treadmill in the garage so perhaps I need to rely on that initially. What else can I really do though to eleviate my stress? I am not a big reader. Not to say I don't enjoy that but that doesn't necessarily bring my stress level down. I don't really have any other kind of activity that I really enjoy except cooking. But I even have limits how I can enjoy cooking. I need to have a great recipe but I need the time to do it. I don't like to feel limited by time or to even want to do that after a long day of work. So there isn't much else left other than going out with my girlfriends for wine time. But again, I'm on the weight loss journey so trying to cut back on that. I know this is a lot of rambling which doesn't go with my blog title rather perfect, but I am a person who requires putting my thoughts on paper, or in this case typing, before I can really draw any kind of conclusion or get my thoughts straight. In fact, sometimes me just typing out all these thoughts is my stress reliever. Perhaps there is something to that. Maybe I am meant to simply just write. It gets all emotion out on the table and I am able to truly put together all my ramblings in one place. I always say I want to blog more and maybe this year will be the year. For now, I am just trying to enjoy the rest of our time here in my oasis. We leave the day after tomorrow so today is really my last day to really enjoy being by the pool and relax. Tomorrow begins the cleaning and packing day which is always a sad time for me. I hate leaving here so much every time, especially when I don't know when I will be back. My mom also keeps talking about wanting to sell the place. My hope would be if she could find a maintenance-free type of spot within this neighborhood. Perhaps then I wouldn't feel as sad about leaving this house, but either way it will be hard. I don't even want to think about when that day would come. Well, until next time...