Binge Psychology

So this post may get a little weird, although I am curious as to how many people may be in the same boat as me in what I'm about to share. This past week my workplace was unfortunately exposed to Covid by a co-worker that forced us to close for the week. It was on one hand a welcomed "vacation" time, but on the other it really sucked because the amount of work it now creates for us to all get caught up is not fun. Anyway, during this past week I did what most people did while on a stay-at-home order which was to binge a show on Netflix. I had started a show called "Schitt's Creek" before this covid exposure so naturally I wanted to continue in on this show as I was starting to really get into it. Well, what started as a mild "oh can't wait until I get home to watch this" became an incessant all-day, no matter what I was doing, had the tv on the show time. This is where things can get weird. I'm not sure I have invested in a show as much as this one. The characters became very real to me. The storyline of the show was extremely interesting to me. *Spoiler alert if you haven't seen this show* It's about a family who lost all their money and most of their possessions including their home. The dad at one point, as a joke, had bought a town and named it "Schitt's Creek" for his son as a gift. This town then became where they went to find a new beginning. Their adult son and daughter both lived with them still which was comical in itself. The son is gay and the daughter is extreme on every level. Ok so fast forward...the son (David) ended up finding the love of his life (Patrick) and they started a business together. The love between these two men was on a level of sweet that I had not seen before displayed in a heterosexual romance. Now before I go further I do want to stop and say my Christian values and viewpoints were really challenged while watching this show. The idea that God is good with gay people or gay relationships is a hard concept for me. God created love, yes, but I don't believe he meant for two men or two women to be married to one another. He designed for a man and a woman to be married. But the idea that being gay is a sin above any other isn't true either. Sin is sin is sin. And if me drinking too much (especially lately) should be less punishable than a gay couple marrying one another is how one person measures God, then they are wrong. So please know I haven't abandoned my Christian views and beliefs, but I have been challenged to really examine this whole premise of gay relationships. Anyway, going back....this couple (David and Patrick) in the show really made me want to be a part of that relationship. I found myself at the end of the show bawling like a baby as the two had their wedding. I found myself feeling like I wanted my own "David". But then what am I saying? I am desiring a gay husband?? No...but what I am desiring is this love story that a show created. A writer sat down one day and wrote this love story, then chose the perfect person to read said story, and from there it came to fruition via Daniel and Eugene Levy and then was picked up by Netflix. But even now as I type this post, I have this twinge in my heart and soul of still being SO invested in this show. I am having spurs of sadness in that the show is over. I am wanting to re-watch the entire thing again. But in doing so, am I just creating more of a monster in me of obsession?? I wonder how many people out there have found themselves in this same predicament? How many others have found themselves so emursed in a tv show that you feel like you belong in the list of characters yourself? How many people out there want to "step" into the show and be a part of that family or that couple or that "group"? The psychological affect this has placed on me is baffling. I have never felt so invested into a tv show or movie in my life like this. I feel like it has changed me somehow. And I really wonder if I should be more concerned? I don't believe this is healthy. It's a bit maddening, honestly. How can one be obsessed with a made-up character? Then again, what if this kind of person does exist? What if "David" was written about someone the writer knew and wanted their story heard? And why does this Christian girl find herself desiring a gay man or desire what this gay couple's relationship looked like? And why should it even matter that I categorize it as "gay"? I said from the beginning this post was going to be very weird and very strange. I still haven't been able to wrap my brain around it. The "counselor" in me is still trying to self-diagnose myself. Perhaps I shouldn't think too much or read too much into it. Perhaps this is as simple as this show was just written, created, and filmed so beautifully that I just can't get enough on it. Perhaps this was the very purpose of what good acting and a good script does to a person. This is the exact reaction they want every viewer to have. To which I would say, well done. Bravo! Goal accomplished. So I guess bottom line....go watch this show if you haven't already. It's pretty stinking amazing :)

Dark Places

Over the past week I found myself back in a place that I have not been in a very long time. I was in complete and utter darkness. About 8 years ago was probably one of the scariest times in my life. I had gotten very depressed, had gained weight, and was extremely down on myself. I scared my husband and my mom the most. Luckily, with their support I was able to make small steps to climb out of the hole I had built. I got a personal trainer, I got a new job, and I got a new walk on life. Last week my husband had to pull me out of yet another hole that I had built but this time my hole wasn't built over time, it was quickly made with a stick of dynamite and exploded into existence. I became extremely overwhelmed at work and started to put my identity based on my job. My brain and self was always at work and it continued to get worse. I let go of all boundaries I had made. I saw everything in only two extremes, success or failure. And if it failed, I was the failure. There were no learning curves or teachable moments, it was just black and white succeed or fail. On top of that, when I felt like I kept failing my initial reaction is typically to run. So now I reached such a low point last week that I uttered the words of wanting to quit my job. My amazingly calm and wise husband let me express all these feelings, especially the dark ones, but then started in on getting me back in line. I am so extremely thankful for him beyond words. Unfortunately for me there were many witnesses of my sliding backwards. My entire team at work was aware of it all and started to give me looks of great concern. I either did completely have a mental break or I was not far off from one. I hate showing any sign of weakness or even that I am human, but I am also not perfect so that doesn't leave much room for extremes. I am a work in progress right now. I still feel I am in a very sensitive time right now and I am still adjusting and getting back on track. I need to learn to ask for help and not think anyone has these high expectations of me in the same way that I put on myself. And honestly I am going to be looking for a counselor. Someone to help me sort all of these emotions and thoughts around and arrive at ways I can not spiral out of control again. Balance...I need to continue on my word of the year...