Do-Overs

I know I am not the only one who at some point in their life wishes they could ask for a "do-over". That's how I feel about the last year or maybe even 2 years in my life. There has been so much devastation all over the world these past 2 years beginning with the COVID pandemic. I would love nothing more than to blame the pandemic for what has been happening in my own personal life, but in some areas I can't. I have been making some very dangerous and simply put, bad decisions in my life lately. I have been feeling so much shame, strife, and also confusion over it all. I have been making choices that I don't want to be a part of my identity anymore. I have been trying to surround myself with the right kind of people and trying to wake up each day with a new perspective but somehow it all starts going downhill fast and before I know it, I am waking up the next morning wanting a do-over. The definition of insanity rings a bell. I won't go into detail about what decisions I have been doing only because the amount of shame and guilt I feel even now is heart-wrenching for me. It has even got to a place where I know God has to be so disappointed in me. I know how grace and mercy work, but its a struggle when I know the things I should be doing and yet I still fail over and over again. It's a terrible ride I have been on and it is time to stop. I know this is a lot of rambling and none of this makes sense, even to me as I type. But I do know that sometimes just by simply putting things to paper (or in this case an online platform), it can help create accountibility. And that is definitely something I need more of. So I guess here is to getting off the insanity train and trying to do better for myself. By doing better for myself, it will hopefully translate into other aspects of my life and make me a more positive and clear-headed person. I know I will still stumble and fall sometimes, but in the certain areas that I have been really messing up...I hope those decisions can go by the wayside. So here I go...trying to start anew.