Barren

The word alone brings heartbreak. Although my story is a little different than simply just being barren. When my husband and I first got married I thought I didn't want to have kids. I was 28 and to me, that was too old to be starting having a family. Plus, my husband already had 3 from his first marriage. I thought my life felt full and I was ready to spend quality time with my new spouse. Then about 4 years ago, something switched. I started thinking maybe a baby could be a good thing. I went back and forth on this decision but then one day it just hit me with a ton of bricks and really due to a conversation with a complete stranger. One day I just stopped taking my birth control I had been on for over 15 years and the excitement of "trying" began. But 2 years ago after we moved and nothing had happened, my doctor suggested we see a specialist. After further testing we found out why. Our hopes and dreams of a child came to a screeching halt. Now this may get a little graphic so I will warn you not to read any further if you don't want the gory details... We found out my husband's plumbing was producing as much as perhaps it used to. And, I heard the words PCOS when it came to my body. So a low sperm count mixed with ovaries that can sometimes have a hard time producing eggs does not make "baby-making" easy. So we moved on to the first suggestion of IUI. We did one round of that and found out my husband was slowly producing even less than we thought. IUI turned me into a crazy person with the hormones I had to take and the endless waiting. Another side note was we had to drive an hour and 30 min each time we had to have any kind of test or to do the actual procedure which really became aggrivating. So now here we are back to square one. I am such a big believer in that I have a big God who knows best and knows my heart that my prayer is He will still bless us with a baby, but I also know my time is running short. I am currently 37 and my husband is 41. I really do not want to be a 40-year-old having a baby. So..for the moment we are still trying organically. The drive was becoming too much and was too hard between our 2 jobs to be able to do that and I really did not do well with the medications and actual procedure either. I also just within one month have found out that 3 of my co-workers are all expecting. As happy and over the moon thrilled that I am for them...it really stings that much more every time. Yes, they are all younger being in their 20s and I know their bodies are just primed for this, but it still hurts so much. Out of all my co-workers, there will now be 2 of us who aren't moms. But I predict this other co-worker will be one day in the near future. She is a newlywed as well and also in her 20s so I'm sure the day will come. So for all of you mamas out there...love on your babies. Be thankful you were able to be a part of one of God's special miracles. For all of you who aren't mamas and perhaps don't feel like that path is for you...be excellent and amazing women striving for whatever goals and aspirations you can dream! And for the other women who are in the same boat as me...that feeling of barren...let us all pray for one another. Let us all be able to find the peace and understanding as to why we haven't been able to have a baby, but let us also try our hardest to not feel like failures because of it. I pray that I am able to hopefully see the big picture into this one day. I pray I can find comfort and love within the arms of my husband and feel complete and whole.